Wow, you Americans are “in a pickle”, no? Who are you going to vote for? I know after all the kafuffle of past elections zat I am not eligible to run in zis race wiz my French birth certificate. I cannot even vote, which is a shame because I zink zat I would be better zen either of your candidates, (plus, my hair is better). So I have put togezer a list of my opinions on major policies, to “set a precedence” if you will.
1) INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS- We would be strong allies with France-ze best country in ze world. Togezer, we can do anyzing.
2) IMMIGRATION- We will have an open door policy both ways wiz France and also eastern Canada. Any immigrant currently working in ze industry of agriculture or wiz animals (zoos, racetracks, shelters, circus’ etc) will be granted amnesty. All other immigrants will need to apply and pay an entry fee to ze government.
3) SOCIAL SECURITY- I will see to it zat every police horse will have his pension from age 20. People too, starting at age 70. No more unemployment and disability will only last zree months- get a job!
4) TAXES- All gas and property taxes collected will go to repaving every road. As a frequent road tripper, I can tell you- zey are rough.
5) CULTURE- I ask you, what is more American zen ze movies? I plan to refurbish movie zeaters nation wide and give tax breaks to movie producers. Also I plan to bring back ze White House Stables, not seen or acknowledged since ze Kennedy era.
6) TOURISM- I will reinstate ze carriage rides in Central Park and also add zem to major cities. What else are draft horses good for?
7) EDUCATION- I zink all children should be active. I will direct school taxes to after school sports programs and music/art programs.
8) OBESITY- If more people took care of horses and played in after school sports programs, zey might not be so fat. I am, as zey say, “healthy as a horse” so I will lead by example.
9) ZE STOCK MARKET- I see nozing wrong wiz gambling. If you lose, it’s your own fault. If you win, it’s good for you and also good for ze government who taxes your winnings. Fair’s fair. Which brings me to…
10) ZE NATIONAL DEBT- How did you all get into such a state anyway? All taxes on gambling and alcohol sales will go towards paying down ze national debt.
VOTE FOR ME!!!